Bella's Notes
by Tippi.Hates.Birds
Summary: She's only human! Bella is bored at school. Notes with Edward, Alice, et al. Exclamation marks galore!
1. Chapter 1

Notes with Edward and Bella

A/N: Hi! I'm being optimistic in writing this author's note and assuming that someone will actually read this. First fanfiction ever. But I take criticism well, and I hope that if you do review (do review.) you won't water it down or anything. I tried to stay pretty in character, but Bella came off with a little more of my personality than intended. Their schedule is not what was in the book. Sorry. Uhm, Gilmore Girls! whoo! Do I own Twilight? I saw Twilight today. But nooo, I don't own it. Why don't you put YOUR seatbelt on?? --- favorite line. He sounded like a winded orca.

* * *

Bella/_Edward_

You're pretty...

_Have you been paying attention at all in this class?_

No. Is that bad? You won't let me fail. Also you're pretty.

_Thank you, but I really think you should pay attention. Imagine having to take another year of this! _

Like I said, you would never let me fail.

_..._

Hey!!!

_I wouldn't. _

Very good. What are you thinking about?

_You. _

That's boring.

_On the contrary, I find the subject riveting. What's on your mind? _

I wish we didn't have to go to school. I could spend every day with you.

_I could spend every day with you. We do spend every day together. _

Not English or gym. I hate gym.

_I hate gym, too, then. _

I'm still bored.

_I don't entertain you??_

Nope. Dance, burger boy, dance.

_What? Did Jessica follow through on her Drug-Bella plan? _

Her WHAT? It's from Gilmore Girls.

_False alarm. What is Gilmore Girls? _

What is Gilmore Girls?? What is Gilmore Girls?!?!?! How can you not know about Gilmore Girls?

_Tell me about it. _

You tell me about this Drug-Bella thing.

_She probably was never going to go through with it. I would have stopped her anyway. _

She's kind of the devil, don't you think? Anyway, Gilmore Girls is basically the best show ever. They talk really fast. Like Alice but times two and they drink a lot of coffee.

_Times two?_

Yeah. There's a mother and a daughter but they are close because the mom (Lorelai) had the daughter (Rory) when she was only 16.

_Responsible. _

Exactly! And there's a funny French man with a serious 'tude and an evil grandmother and a series of boyfriends. And a backwards-baseball-cap-wearing diner owner. Burger boy.

_Sounds intriguing. _

Oh, it is. I'm still bored. Wait. What did he just say??

_Tuesday? _

Yes! What about Tuesday?

_It follows Monday..._

I know that. I suppose you also feel the need to inform me that it precedes Wednesday? What is happening on Tuesday?

_Well... we can stay home if you'd like. _

WHAT is HAPPENING?

_No need to shout. _

You can't shout on paper. Tell me.

_You know, if you had been listening in the first place, you would know. Isn't that what started this entire note? _

I will tell Alice you're being mean.

_Fine. Tuesday is the school-wide sex education day. _

Weird. But I am mature enough to handle it. I'm kind of offended.

_What? _

Yeah! You totally just made it seem like you thought that I couldn't handle the sex ed day. "we can stay home if you'd like"?? What am I, Emmett?

_It's Emmett's favorite day of the year. He likes to volunteer for the demonstrations. _

I don't even have a response to that. What do you want to do today?

_I want to do whatever makes you happy. _

I think I have a few ideas...

_Bella. _

What??

_I think I know what you're thinking. I also think you know that what you're thinking can't happen._

Hrmph.

_Hrmph? You are utterly adorable._

If I'm so adorable why won't you... you know?

_I believe we've had this discussion. Several times. You are irresistible when you pout, you know. _

Did you know that I always misspell irresistible? I always always always write it with an -able.

_I love you, you silly girl. _


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here is installment number two. Thank you to those who reviewed (all two of you, you amazing heavenly beings. Best friends forever). But I am not going to be one of those authors who refuse to update until they have x amount of reviews. Nope! There's nothing you can do to stop me. I will update until I run out of ideas. So there. Let's see. The book they are discussing is _Middlesex _by Jeffrey Eugenides. Amazing. I highly recommend it. It's really really good. I still don't own _Twilight_. But I do own the Jonas Brothers coffee table book.

* * *

Still Bella/_Edward_

I really want to kiss you. Right…….now.

__

Just a few more minutes. Hands to yourself, Bella.

Poo on you. *Bella sticks her tongue out at Edward*

__

I saw that.

You see everything. Now what are you thinking about?

__

Still you.

What about me?

__

About you when you sleep.

I don't snore, do I?

__

Of course not. You sleep ever so peacefully.

I like how you talk.

__

I like how you talk, too. Of course, this is not actually talking.

Picky, picky. What is everyone else thinking?

__

Well, our esteemed teacher is hoping he remembered to TiVo

Meerkat Manor. _Shakespeare is his favorite meerkat. _

Pah!

__

Eighteen.

Sixty three. This is a weird game. I'm confused.

__

I have thought about kissing you eighteen times this class period.

Aww. Nice game. What are other people thinking about?

__

Sometimes it seems you are just using me for my psychic talents.

Oh my god! You've found me out!

__

I'm hurt.

I didn't mean it!!!! Of course I love you. I love you and I will forever and ever and ever. Also I just realized that you were joking. Mean.

__

Jessica is debating what color to paint her nails. Mike Newton is feeling sorry for himself. Angela has a book she wants to loan you.

She always picks good ones. Did you read that last one about the hermaphrodite?

__

That sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.

No, it was really good. Her/his grandmother was also her/his first cousin twice removed. And her/his other grandparents were brother and sister/third cousins.

__

You baffle me.

"Sing now, oh muse, of the recessive mutation on my fifth chromosome!"

__

What are you wearing tomorrow?

What? I don't know, Mr. Speedy Subject Changer. Jeans and my blue sweater, maybe.

__

I like that sweater. Alice wanted to know.

Uhoh.

__

I won't let her throw anything away.

I hate being Bella Barbie.

__

Why don't you just tell her?

It would hurt her feelings! I hate being Bella Barbie, but I love Alice.

__

You are perfect.

I'm going to be spoiled. You compliment me too much.

__

You smell.

????

__

I was practicing not complimenting you. …nice. I think we've found something I'm not good at.

You're not good at not complimenting me? You are confusing.

__

64 or 4 cubed.

What?

Thanks.

__

No problem. I would never let you fail.

Is it almost time for lunch?

__

Almost. Hungry?

No…

__

Yes. Vampire hearing, remember?

That's a little embarrassing. Thank you.

__

I need to hunt this weekend. Is it alright if Emmett babysits keeps you company?

Is it alright if I am short a few limbs when you return?

__

He'll be responsible. I'll make him.

Yeah whatever. I don't care who stays with me. I'll miss you just as much.

__

Flattering as that is, I don't want you to be unhappy.

But I'll be better as soon as you get back. Lunch!! Let's go!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Still don't own _Twilight_. Darn. This one has my two favorite characters besides Edward and Bella: Emmett and Alice! Whoo!

* * *

Bella/Alice

Bella. Bella! This is EXTREMELY important. Life or death! White or wheat! Chicken or beef! Paper or plastic!

More important than not failing high school?

Isn't everything?

What do you want?

I have an itch.

Isn't that like impossible?

No, silly. Not a physical itch. A mental itch.

Do a crossword puzzle.

You don't understand me at all.

You are impossible to understand.

I was taaaaalking about shopping! Which you would have gotten unless you were being purposely dense…

I would never. Hahaaa.

What?

I just remembered that SNL short with Andy Samberg. "Andy Walking".

I've never seen that.

He just like walks around asking people questions. Like "Who was the first president?"

George Washington.

Exactly. And people answer right but he flips out laughing because he thinks they are wrong.

What made you think about that?

He does one where he is like "Finish this phrase: The Declaration of Indepen_____"

Dence.

Ha! Yeah you are.

Emmett would appreciate that.

****

HEY! Why does everyone think I'm so dumb?

You're not even in this class, Em.

****

Um, yes I am.

No you aren't.

****

Then what am I doing here?

You tell me!

****

I apparently "wasn't paying enough attention" during today's class and I'm supposed to be "relearning it" during my "study hall". Psh.

Why did you put "study hall" in quotes?

****

What?

Never mind.

EMMETT.

****

Yep?

Why do I see you … you know… ing with Rosalie in MY CAR????

You know?

You know….

****

Haa. Maybe she doesn't. Have you met Edward?

That's mean. Also stop changing the subject. I still see it.

****

Get out of my future.

Get out of my car. Thank you.

Hey hey hey. What are we talking about?

****

Nooooothing.

Mean.

Ew! You're wearing that tomorrow?

Edward likes that sweater.

Um, so does Laura Ingalls Wilder.

****

Was she the blind one?

No, but good point. Mary probably likes that sweater too.

****

Helen Keller!!

No, Emmett. That has nothing to do with Little House on the Prairie.

****

Yeah, but she was blind. And deaf. So she would like Bella's sweater too.

What does deafness have to do with Bella's ugly sweater?

It's not ugly. And you shouldn't make fun of people with disabilities.

I will apologize to all of the deaf people in the room.

****

You better learn sign language first, though. And all of the blind people couldn't even know what we are talking about. Because we don't have one of those Braille puncher things. Also the deaf people wouldn't know either because they are not part of this note convo.

A: Who says "convo"?? B: It's still mean, and C: Just wait until I show Edward this note.

Like you could catch me.

Poo on you. Hey! We never explained that thing at the top of this page. You know what?

****

Bella.

Emmett.

Alice.

What? You guys are weird. Gak!!! What did she just ask me??

****

Metonymy.

Thank you.

You should really pay attention more instead of passing notes, Bella.

OH my GOD, Alice!!! You were the one who made me talk to you in the FIRST place.

****

I never knew you were such a slacker, Bella.

I'm not a slacker. You guys are distracting me.

****

Just wait until Edward hears. Mr. Perfect will be soooo disappointed.

Don't you dare tell him. And don't make fun of him for being so perfect.

****

Oops.

Ha.

I hate you both. I will get you back for that, Emmett.

Haa! She will. Watch out.

****

Pssh. You can't hurt me.

Did Edward tell you you're babysitting this weekend?

**I don't waaaaaaanna! ***Bella sticks her tongue out again*

**That is really unbecoming, Bella.**

Yeah. Only toddlers stick their tongues out. Also teacherguy is looking confused.

****

OHMYGOD. Guess what is Tuesday?

Oh dear.

I think I might be sick that day. Do you see the flu in my future, Alice?

Not a chance.

Edward said we could stay home if I wanted.

****

But whatever you will be doing then is the whole point of Tuesday.

Ew. We would just be hanging out.

****

Ha. Maybe little Eddie would be hanging out….of Edward's pants.

Can it, Emmett.

Ugh. This is so long.

****

That's what---

That's what she said!!!!!!!!!

****

I had it first!!!

Really guys? Really? You guys haven't matured at all in fifty plus years?

****

Nope.

I was obviously talking about the class. Pathetic.

****

So is Little Edward.

He's not happy. I would steer clear of him this afternoon if I were you, Emmett.

Hey! Isn't there an "Emmett is not ever allowed to say anything ever about Bella and Edward's personal life ever" rule?

****

Yeah, only you are just saying that because you are mushy gushy in love with him. Also you said "ever" like nine times there.

Emmett.

****

Alice.

Anyway, I feel a little uncomfortable discussing this. Especially because you guys shouldn't care. You know, on account of the fact that it's unnatural because you are his siblings???

****

Maybe you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable if you two would just ---

I don't think we need to pollute poor Bella's ears.

****

We're not talking.

Pollute poor Bella's eyes.

Poor Bella?

****

Yes. Poor Bella's not getting any.

Oh my god.

****

I'm sure that's what you would say. If you were getting any.

!!!! I meant "oh my god" as in "oh my god can we PLEASE drop this?"!!!

So why aren't you guys doing the nasty?

Wasn't that the bell?

****

Little Eddie's got stage fright? He _is _a 108 year old virgin, you know.

I'm not responding to any of your childish gossip.

I could give you some tips, Bella. I've got some tricks that totally drive Jasper wild.

EEEWEEWEEWW.

****

I thought you weren't going to respond?

You guys are disgusting.

****

Sex is a normal and healthy part of life. And it makes you happy.

I am happy, thank you very much. And so is Edward. We are both very happy.

****

But not as happy as you coooould be….

It's true. I mean, sex is basically just like exercise. And exercise gives you endorphins, which make you physically more happy. It's not really the same with vampires, but…

I'll go to the gym. Can we please change the subject?

Bella and gym? Ha. We'll go shopping. I've already got some great ideas.

We just went shopping. I have enough shoes, skirts, pants, tops, and dresses to last a lifetime. Eight lifetimes.

I'm talking about clothes to wear uuuuuuuuuunder those clothes.

Like layering? It's spring. I think it would be a little warm. I don't have Super Vampire Chilly Hands.

****

Oh my god, Bella. You are so naïve. Also Super Vampire Chilly Hands? Why is that capitalized?

Hey! I am not naïve.

Lingerie, young grasshopper.

****

Did you guys hear that?

Hear what?

Haaa!!

Hear what??

YOU GUYS!!

****

Edward had to excuse himself. I guess Alice imagining you in lingerie was a bit too much for him.

Stupid vampire hearing. I hate you both.

Whaaaat?

Yeah! I can't believe you guys. I asked and asked you all just to drop it and you wouldn't.

****

Flip out much, Bella? I didn't know it would be such a huge deal.

Well it is.

Sorry.

****

Sorry, Bella. Do you still love me?

Bella?

****

Aww, come on. You can't stay mad at us forever.

Bella!!!!!

What is it that's really bothering you?

I can't believe you would think that when you knew that Edward would be listening.

What?

You thought about me in lingerie and Edward saw.

Umm. So what?

What if I wasn't ready for him to see me naked?

What do you mean?

I don't really think it's fair that he gets to see me like that and I'm not going to even get a peek until our *gag* wedding night.

I didn't think.

Obviously. And what if he didn't like what he saw? What then? Can you imagine anything more embarrassing???

Bella! You're hawt! I'm really sorry, but I don't see why this is such a huge deal.

I'm sure I'll never know because he'll never say what he really thinks.

We were just goofing off. I'm really sorry.

Whatever.

I mean, it's bad enough that he is absolutely perfect and I'm absolutely average. But now he has seen my absolute average-ness. All of it. In lace.

Sorry. I really am. And I'm sure Emmett is too, but I'm pretty sure you didn't want him to see all of this.

Goodbye, Alice.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Ahh!!! It's been a very long time. I'm soooorry! I got kind of eeh with this story and so avoided it for a while. Then I got busy failing AP Biology (POO) and junk. Soo sorry, but thank you to you five people who reviewed and you people who alert favorite thinged this. Uhm... Disclaimer time.

Here we go. I own...A trench coat and a humongous crush on a certain hilarious-named senior boy from across my state. ...That was off-topic. He's a funny boy. rrrr! Okay. I also own some apple juice and a copy of She's The Man. Bros...brothers...brethren? Anyway. Twilight I do not own. Although they can keep Robert Pattinson. He's okay in veeery small quantities. When he's not being Edward. aah. Whatevs. Okay. Read this.

Also can I say this is an extremely questionable chapter. It's pretty dull. It's a dud, actually. But do not be discouraged! It is Monday in this chapter. Which means that Tuesday is coming up soon, and all of our favorite vampy people will be in one roooom! And there may be raptor noises if you guys are good. ... rrrr!

* * *

And it is still _Edward_/Bella

_So…_

Yes, Edward?

_I saw something very interesting in Alice's head yesterday…_

Ah!

_You are so cute when you blush. _

… I'm not going to say anything. Go learn something.

_Would you like to see me naked? _

_Bella, are you okay???_

I just had a baby heart attack over here.

_Sorry. _

This is an awkward conversation we're having here.

_So it is. But I am enjoying your reactions. You are amusing. _

I am rolling my eyes at you.

_Are you still mad at Alice and Emmett? They are making me ask. _

Eh.

_Eh? _

Eh.

_Ah. _

Ah?

_Uh…_

This is ridiculous.

_My apologies. _

I hate school. I hate Mondays.

_You're cheerful today. _

I have a headache.

_Do you want me to take you home? _

Nooo. I'm just being whiny.

_What are you thinking about? _

You know who's cute?

_Who? _

Hugh Dancy!

_Who is Hugh Dancy? Is that a new student? I haven't heard anything about this person._

Hugh Dancy is an actor. A super cute British actor. Slash model.

_I see. Should I be worried? _

He's engaged to Claire Danes.

_Who is an actress? _

Gosh, Edward. You are not very with the times.

_Well, excuse me. I will enroll in a crash course on pop culture. What movies has this Hugh Dancy been in, then? _

He is in that movie with Isla Fisher that is exactly like every other movie.

_Aha. _

It's about shopping. Alice took me to see it. And the whole moral was like moderation in shopping and as soon as we got out she bought me two couture gowns. One of them has to be stored on ice.

_????_

Because it's made of actual flowers, you see. I'm working on getting her to return it.

_And how is that going? _

Not so hot. Ha. Because ice and hot.

_Are you feeling alright? _

Poo on you!

_Even when you are being unbearable, I still love you. _

Aww. Even when you are being unbearably bearable, I still love you.

_I'm confused. _

I know. It's super sexy.

_My confusion turns you on? _

Oh, of course. A guy who is in tune with his surroundings? Puh-lease. A guy who has absolutely no idea what's going on? I want to jump him.

_I don't have a reply to that? _

It's okay. Do that thing with your hair.

_What thing?_

The thing where you run your fingers through it and then it looks adorable.

_Like this? _

*Sigh* Exactly.

_You are ridiculous, Bella Swan. _

* * *

Go! Look up Hugh Dancy! He has messy Edward hair and a British accent!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: OH MY GOODNESS It has been so long. I am so sorry and I completely understand if I have lost every reader. But here is the next installation of Bella's Notes, fair readers.

The Scene: Tuesday Morning, Gymnasium at Forks High.

Bella/_Edward_/Alice/**Emmett**/_Jasper_/_**Rose**_

_**

* * *

**_

Gooood morning Vietnaaaam! I lovelovelove you. And also, Alice. I love Alice.

_Note to self: Do NOT give the human coffee. _

Note to Edward: [bahahaha this is a note to Edward!] Coffee = delicious = happy Bella.

_That is not even an equation. _

Because this is not even math class. This is special sex class. We are going to learn about important sexy things, Edward. This is basically the most important school day of our lives. We are learning about reproduction. Actually, wait. Why did we even come to school today? We cannot reproduce and you can't have STDs so what is even the point of today.

_What is the point of anything, Bella? _

God I hate it when you read Camus.

_There is no god, Bella. Only our experiences. _

Shut up, Edward.

_**Yeah, shut up, Edweird. Everyone hates Camus. **_

**Everyone hates Cam-you! **

_I am so proud to know you two. _

I have to agree with Jasper, in an entirely non-sarcastic way. Today is going to be so entertaining. And don't even bother trying to see what I am talking about, Edweird, because I am singing Jason Mraz inside of here and I know that you hate scatting. 

You hate scatting? Edward. No one hates scatting.

_No one hates Camus, either. _

Debatable. Highly debatable.

_Bella Bella Bella Bella Bella Bella Bella_

Edward Edward Edward Edweird Edward

_Bella! What are you thinking, right now? _

I am thinking about Andrew Bird and how horrible this day is going to be. I do not know why I thought it would be so fun. It is just going to be embarrassing and uncomfortable!

_Alice says it will be 'hilarious' and 'memorable'. _

That is code for 'Bella falls down and lands in a wheelbarrow full of condoms'. Stop laughing.

_I cannot possibly stop laughing when you have gifted me with that mental image, Bella. _

Oh God it's starting.

_Blah blah blah Bella does this look like I am taking notes? Of course it does. I have perfected the art of fake-note-taking. Nope nope nope you have to get your own sheet of paper or else it isn't believable. We will trade when they change out speakers. Deal? _

Deal.

_BELLA. YOUR OWN PAPER. _

Fiiiine!

_Bella. _

-_- - -NO. _

A/N: And there we have it, finally, another chapter. And another [2!] chapters will come very soon, because our delightful main characters will be writing letters on separate sheets of paper during this exciting, educational seminar. If you want to be a hipster, go check out Ben Sollee!


End file.
